Mariah’s Thing


‘My thing is that I have to be myself and if that means that in that moment I don’t hear you, I don’t see you and you don’t exist to me at this moment, then that’s what it is.’

Mariah Carey, best person singer in the world, may have accidentally articulated how we (or just I) should feel about peoples and things that need rebuking off of our aura, when the quarrelings with Nicki Minaj led to things such as this quote which she eloquently and generously elucidated in an ET interview.

My interpretation of this is: Be yourself. If within yourself something doesn’t exist in your specific moment which can be totally whatever, don’t exhaust any of your senses by hearing, seeing or smelling something that is not existing in your moment. And then let it be.

A practical application of this is: instead of making a ‘Whateveeeeeeer!’ comment in any of your social networks “‘friends’s” posts, which you have to admit the internal struggle to not do can sometimes seem so insurmountable, you just nonchalantly block everything off because, hello, you have just been guided by Mariah’s non-existent beings moment management. Learn.

One of the major mistakes people make is that they think manners are only the expression of happy ideas. There’s a whole range of behavior that can be expressed in a mannerly way. That’s what civilization is all about – doing it in a mannerly and not an antagonistic way. One of the places we went wrong was the naturalistic Rousseauean movement of the Sixties in which people said, “Why can’t you just say what’s on your mind?” In civilization there have to be some restraints. If we followed every impulse, we’d be killing one another.
-Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

The David Sedaris in You

Sometimes you feel like David Sedaris’ peoples are you when you were young and that he had you in mind or someone like you when he created the silly characters. You identify with the guy who hitchhikes in the middle of a highway and can’t make up his mind about whether or not he’d give the kindly burly truck driver a hand job, because he’s high and clueless about the ramifications of an innocuous hand job. You feel an affinity with the troubled boy from Naked with what can only be described as the early manifestations of a lifelong possession of really strange behavior, the one who has uncontrollable urges to lick things – the boy who eventually finds a strange kind of solace in cigarettes.

You feel like the boy narrating below is you when you were 23:

Growing up, my parents were so very into themselves that I got little love and attention. As a result, I would squeeze the life out of everyone I came into contact with. I would scare away my dates on the first night by telling them that this was it, the love experience I’d been waiting for. I would plan our futures. Everything we did together held meaning for me and would remain bright in my memory. By the second date, I would arrive at the boyfriend’s apartment carrying a suitcase and a few small pieces of furniture so that when I moved in completely I wouldn’t have to hire a crew of movers. When these boyfriends became frightened and backed away, I would hire detectives to follow them. I needed to know that they weren’t cheating on me. I would love my dates so much that I would become obsessed. I would dress like them, think like them, listen to the records they enjoyed. I would forget about me!

It’s so hilarious to see your experiences and feelings available in paperback, sold worldwide, translated in 20+ languages, for the all the world to read. You’re being scandalized but you’re cramping from the hilariousness. He allows you to laugh at yourself because it’s funny when David Sedaris characters are yourself.

In highly self-aware states, you feel like you’re this kind of Sedaris:

I was the guest who went from loving too much to being loved too much. Everybody loves me. I’m the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of people I’ve never even met. I don’t say this casually; I’m just pointing out my qualification.

You can tell that whoever says these things about himself must be feeling the exact opposite of what was just described. You’re delirious with mirth when you see yourself as one of these delusional, self-deprecating types in the Sedaris world.

Sometimes you see yourself as the David Sedaris of Me Talk Pretty One Day: the bright, shining crutch to the worldly, wonderful boyfriend who only has your best interests at heart, or so you believe. As a David Sedaris in MTPOD, what you basically are is a person in France, really trying to live the French culture, surrounded by French peoples and things, and trying your damndest to learn French that often frustrates you. Sadly, when it comes to conjugating French verbs, you’re an absolute failure. The point is that there’s a David Sedaris in you. Find it, nurture it, laugh at it.

Guilty as Charged!

If you’ve spent any time trolling the blogosphere, you’ve probably noticed a peculiar literary trend: the pervasive habit of writers inexplicably placing exclamation points at the end of otherwise unremarkable sentences. Sort of like this! This is done to suggest an ironic detachment from the writing of an expository sentence! It’s supposed to signify that the writer is self-aware! And this is idiotic. It’s the saddest kind of failure.

-Chuck Klosterman, Eating the Dinosaur

The thing is, it’s really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs – if yours are really good ones and theirs aren’t. You think if they’re intelligent and all, the other person, and have a good sense of humor, that they don’t give a damn whose suitcases are better, but they do. They really do.

-Holden Caulfield

Man, it occurs to me, is a joyful, buying-and-selling piece of work. I have been wrong, dead wrong, when I’ve decried consumerism. Consumerism is what we are. It is in a sense, a holy impulse. A human being is someone who joyfully goes in pursuit of things, brings them home, then immediately starts planning how to get more.

A human being is someone who wishes to improve his lot.

-George Saunders, ‘The New Mecca’

And then the Yuletide season, Brandt my friend Brandt — Christmas — Christmas morning — What is the essence of Christmas morning but the childish co-eval of venereal interface, for a child? — A present, Brandt — Something you have not earned and which formerly was out of your possession is now in your po-ssession — Can you sit there and try to say there is no symbolic rela-tion between unwrapping a Christmas present and undressing a young lady?

Brandt bobbed and mopped, uncertain whether to laugh.