The Gay Delusion and Other Fun Book Ideas

“Aah, go back to sleep. I’m not gonna join one anyway. The kind of luck I have, I’d probably join one with all the wrong kind of monks in it. All stupid bastards. Or just bastards.”

When I said that, old Ackley sat way the hell up in bed.

“Listen,” he said, “I don’t care what you say about me or anything, but if you start making cracks about my goddam religion, for Chrissake-“

-Ackley & Holden, doing pillow talk.

I’ve stopped attending Sunday masses because it seemed a waste of 4 hours of every month making a show of reverence and love for an omnipotent being that was brought to my consciousness through ‘childhood indoctrination’, via an alleged blind acceptance. It’s not so much reverence as it is a confusion about a spirituality that’s been spiraling lately into an inevitable hole of heathenhood, or something!

That is not to say that me and the God are not chums anymore. As a Catholic child with mildly imposing church-going parents and relatives, I’ve been made to think of certain things relating to God and goodness and faith that are always quite simplistic. If you don’t go to church, you’re not a very good person. If you steal, it’s bad blah blah blah. I believe it’s only bad when you’re the one who gets robbed. So officially for me, stealing is bad. Church-going just suddenly seemed like a chore, but as sure as the skies are blue, I still have faith especially when I have an embarrassing diarrhea.

Some people though join in the fun of church bashery because they see it in their FBs and and get an impression of its hipness.  I can feel it in my bones, some are just in it for the ‘likes’. Some are just in it to meet wit-vomit quota. ‘Hmm how can I be funny today about the latest CBCP inanity? Must think hard’ is becoming a popular mindset. If you’re going to give the church the finger(s), I pray that it’s not entirely because you’ve decided that church-going is a lazy-inducing enterprise or because you saw someone made a remarkably witty comment about a priest or CBCP or Pope and you want to be funny too. But whatever, it’s your lives. At least hate Catholicism or religion for ruining your favorite author’s penchant for writing vampire books. Hate it for something worthy! But then there are those whose religion issues seem organic and rooted so deeply and purely that you can’t help but go philosopher-like yourself and be introspective like, ‘Yeah, what IS God?’. I think they’re called UP graduates and peoples? Joke only.

I’ve been reading Richard Dawkins’s The God Delusion  which offers a lot of ideas for the positing of certain beliefs and being as a kind of delusion. I wish for a surge in popularity for this in  the Philippines where Catholicism is king because it’s always fun to witness banter from all sorts of enlightened personalities in this beautiful country.

Priceless to me is the anecdote involving certain Islams unleashing hell and fury because a certain Danish cartoonist made a caricature of the prophet Mohammed in an extremely unpopular publication. The world then came to know of the cartoon because of the intensity of the Islams’ reaction. Protests were held because of their anger, and in one such widely circulated outrage, someone went to really bombastic lengths as to proclaim love for Hitler via huge placards which made the rounds of CNN, BBC and WWW. This equally damaging sentiment was expressed just so the ‘wronged’ faithfuls could spite the supposedly Jewish cartoonist’s Jewishness. Blasphemy, meet intolerance.

In the end, it’s the reactive Islams who got the bad rep because their anger just about exploded, some might say uncontrollably and brainlessly. Ultimately, it was the anger that got more exposure than the infamous cartoon, and between the silly caricature and the protesters, we know who ended up looking more like a (violent) fool. It just goes to show that there are things you will never ever get away with. Certain nasty things you say, even if you’ve been such a generous human being, a feeder of the multitude, even if you’re Kathy Griffin, who I love with all my heart, you will and shall and should NEVER get away with. Never ever. Ever never.

So maybe if you’ve read this book and felt personally affronted by its convenient perception as blasphemy, you might be driven in a fit of rage precisely in the manner that stubborn, religious characters behave when their beliefs are doubted. So for example, you did not like the idea behind The God Delusion, you could come up with your own The ______ Delusions and be done with that nagging, raging intolerant fool deep inside your self. Because in the first place, why stop at God?

Some ideas:

The Gay Delusion – this will be a book about homosexuality’s falseness. Gayness is false, as in, it was made up by people who wish to poison the world with glitters and rainbows and Madonna songs. It will fault people for choosing to become gay and reinforcing a certain kind of hate through no fault of anyone but the gays’ own. This one’s bound to be a bestseller given the astounding number of gay haters in the world. I don’t know that I will buy this book because as much as I enjoy the occasional silly, misguided books, the idea just seems too much. But in spite of this book’s hideousness, if the publisher can promise to at least make a portion of the proceeds go to a charitable group, maybe I will try to summon the will to try to tell myself that this is not the worst book ever conceived.

The Alcohol Delusion – you’ve heard people say about how they don’t ‘believe’ in drinking or that they don’t ‘get’ drinking. This book is for them. In my humble opinion, drinking is not to be ‘believed’ or ‘understood’ it is only to be done and like every other vice, done with relish. But that is just ol’ humble me. Needless to say, I will not be getting this, but maybe I will if I get to be desperate for a laugh.

The Diva Delusion – for people who don’t believe in the power divas hold on their contingents of soldiers. Include this group maybe the celebrity delusions. Diva Delusions sounds nice, too, does it not? It could even be Christina Aguilera’s next album.

The Superstarmarian Delusion – this book can make a claim about how the Twitter account that swept the internet off its feet with its ridiculous humor is not really that funny. It could make a case about how corny it is, even. If you are in the minority who thinks this fake Marian Rivera account is the most hysterical thing you ever followed, feel free not to buy The Superstarmarian Delusion.

The Beefcake Delusion – for those who don’t believe that achieving a beefy look for guys is a thing to truly aspire to. It will claim that beefcakiness is not only a disease to be avoided but also a self-inflicted plague upon one’s otherwise carefully kept sexuality. It will bore/enlighten you to death about how inner beauty is all the beauty that ever will matter in this world.

The Intolerance is Wrong Delusion – which would basically trumpet the idea that intolerance of others’s belief systems is right and wise. This book will espouse the virtues of self-righteousness self-righteously. It will make for a serious (of course) reading about bigotry and matapobreisms and will rightfully reinforce your belief that not only are your philosophies and ideas about the world and humanity 100% correct, they’re also ideologies to aspire to and perfect. It will tell you how rewarding it is to act like a queen all the time like as if you’re Beyonce goddamn Knowles. This book will believe in the utter wrongness of differing values and life circumstances. It will ask, ‘how dare anyone else think that my beliefs aren’t THE best beliefs ever!?’ and not even be joking. This book will champion closed-mindedness. It will highlight the merits of intolerance like nothing you’ve ever seen, and like every garbage in the free market, plenty will rejoice this product’s existence because there’s nothing like a printed affirmation to satisfy a bigot’s bigotry.

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3 thoughts on “The Gay Delusion and Other Fun Book Ideas

  1. I ended up here today, because I had the idea as I was waking up this morning, of writing a book called The Gay Delusion. The book I envisaged is more or less as you suggested it should be.

    I have never believed in “sexual orientation” as the concept is advanced nowadays, that everybody has an innate, immutable, irresistible, ethically insignificant and “equally valid” preference for shared sexual activity with their own or the opposite sex. I have known that homosexual feelings and behaviours are free choices, and pretty much nothing but free choices in my experience, for fifty years or so.

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    1. I thought of a Gay Delusion book as a sort of ironic, humorous offshoot of the Richard Dawkins book. I would hope that the kind of book you had in mind is NOT how I imagined such a book would be, which is like The God Delusion only about Gayness. But it would appear that that’s exactly how you’d want to write such a book. That would be very interesting to read indeed.

      You said you only know of homosexual feelings and behaviors as ‘choices’, but to certain gay people the only choice involved is in the intensity of the gayness willing to be let loose, ie. the choice between being a flaming homo or the more socially acceptable closet case. Becoming or being gay is all feelings as far as I can tell. But that’s just me. If it was indeed a choice, I hope I made the right one.

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