Shit-brown Morgue & Other Hilarious Boner-killers

The Pink Morgue and Other Homoerotic Stories of Mysteries and Suspense’s greatest crime is not that it’s laughable. It’s that it’s so corny and unerotic and so full of deceptions and lies starting with the ‘Homoerotic’ and the ‘Suspense’ in the title. The author and publisher, Jack Sagrado, is per the book itself, the country’s premier writer of homoerotic stories of mystery and suspense. Okay.

People should approach this not as serious literature but as a kind of pornography, which might exactly be the author’s intent. The good news is that trashy things can be enjoyable too. I don’t know if drinking games are done in celebration of awful books such as this but in case anybody ever needed one, get this and you’re all set. Drinking game’s rule could be: take a shot every time a participant opens a random page containing corny, stilted dialogue. This game will be fun but also hazardous to all as extreme drunkenness is sure to be had.

I checked the publisher Redbridge Books Publishing on the web and found ample evidence of grand ambition, it’s heartbreaking. Its Facebook page indicates its dedication to ‘publishing high quality original books for and by the Filipino gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer (GLBTQ).’ It also aims to be ‘the premier GLBTQ publishing company in the Philippines, in Asia, and the world by pursuing the highest standards of book design and production…’ Tall pronouncements such as these make it all the more confusing that its premier book is of substandard quality. All efforts seem obviously to have gone to looking for the perfect pair of man-tits with which to slap on its admittedly fine-looking cover.

Despite this, I humbly highly recommend this book to fans of trash. This is not sarcasm, just an honest to God, straight-faced recommendation. Be warned though that what you’re experiencing is not a ‘haunting passage to the deepest, darkest recesses of human consciousness’. Instead, there will be lots of ‘brief and small chortles’, conversations that sound like DOMs speaking to store-bought whores, plenty of corniness, and some of the most painful, unfunny usages of Gay Lingo ever.

My favourite things in it:

The gays are called Dr Angelo Sanvictores, Juan Carlos Quintero, Lester Dantes, Andy Angeles, Jr, while the rest are either an Aling Babang or Mang Bruno

Aling Babang saying things like ‘inundated’

‘Oh Ric, I thought my feelings were wrong and will go unreciprocated. I even tried to forget you but I never succeeded. I couldn’t stop loving you.’

‘I wanted to kiss you that time, Ric. I wanted to touch you. But I wasn’t sure if you were feeling the same way too…’

‘Lintek naman, how’s that fair?’

Paolo Montresor, Fortunato Fermin in a story called Club Amontillado

Mang Bruno: You just go ahead and cut this body whatever you want. I mean, it’s not as if this stupid thing here will ever complain… And I wouldn’t really care if you butcher this body like an animal. I mean, with some bodies, perhaps, I’d mind. But this fellow here is a worthless piece of crap.

‘His tongue was begging entrance to my mouth.’

‘His briefs landed on top of the television set and hung there like an oversized moth.’

‘Rolly then went near the body, and seeing Vida dead, he picked up a big shard of broken glass and began partitioning her face like a small bilao of biko.’

‘Some people wear masks to conceal their true identities or hide their real emotions. Some to live out certain childhood fantasies… I wear one for the same reason. Among others.’

‘His car followed mine, and after a short drive, we reached the exclusive and high-class condominium building where I live.’

‘The interaction in the parking lot however fleeting was to my chagrin, vividly captured in those snapshots I was holding in my hands’

Understand that this is not an act of superiority-demonstration. This is merely a sharing of found joys.

You wouldn’t think that a group announcing itself as a Premier-something would be so deficient in taste and structure, but this book venture managed to be immodest, ridiculous and mockable all at the same time. In short, us, its target market, have just been given a gift. Congrats and thanks, but please stop saying things like ‘deepest, darkest recesses’ because we will be more than glad to wade through your shallow, superficial publications. We all know that ‘deepest, darkest recesses’ sounds nice and mysterious but assigned to the wrong product, it’s deceitful and stupid. And try not to lord it over with the premiership.

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2 thoughts on “Shit-brown Morgue & Other Hilarious Boner-killers

  1. HAHAHAHA tarush! there certainly is a dearth in quality gay filipino lit it seems. They should publish you. Better yet, write the next great filipino novel and make all the characters gay 🙂 id buy that.

    Like

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