I tried to join Anne Rice Philippines in hopes of having friends. Joke lang. I joined it because it was recommended by a credible geek and because I looked at their site and there are some nice looking people in there. Also, I like Anne Rice. Maybe not as much as I did back in college, when I really tried to ignore the ‘homoerotic undertones’ in the books. That was truly the height of denial. I am relatively less dense and more accepting now, which is to say that I now fully realize how homosexually oriented The Vampire Chronicles are and so it’s fitting that I join it, the ARP. It’s a little depressing to me how I’m less interested in them now because I’m not sure if I’ll be very, very interested in anything again now that I’m so old and imbalanced.
This fall out with Anne began when I started reading other stuff. It turns out that there’s more to life than vampire fiction/architectural monologue/furniture catalogue novelizations. And of course there is. There’s Catcher in the Rye. There is also American Psycho. I’m almost done with the Bret Easton Ellis catalogue of coke lit. I can’t wait for him to write the next best vampire literature since Anne Rice’s Memnoch the Devil. If this were to happen, the Bret Easton Ellis vampires would redefine vampire lit. His vampires would be cokeheads whose idea of a good time is to eat each other out (genitals), sniff coke all night long and namedrop the hardbodies they’ve sucked. They will hunt not in alleys but in nightclubs where they can ‘do lines’ in bathrooms. They might not suck blood even. They will not suck, period. Only sniff. But I truly believe that this is never going to ever happen ever because Bret Easton Ellis is not as talented at ruining vampire lore as, say, Stephanie Meyer.
I was just thinking of how clever it would be to associate passionlessness with Bret Easton Ellis’ 80s novel, The Rules of Attraction where the characters are so… passionless. So here goes: I am passionless. I may have flunked the entrance exams for Anne Rice Philippines. I didn’t even know what sire refers to in vampire-speak. So to associate, I was thinking of founding instead Bret Easton Ellis Philippines where members’ loyalties are to be tested by how passionless they are willing to become. Like in Rules of Attraction, all you have to really be is someone who blabbers. You can go on and on about a silly fixation and it would be fine. Anyone who introduces himself as bisexual is to be hacked into tiny bits, dick first, Bateman-style. Hot lesbians are to be granted first class status because I already know two of these breed and because favoritism in Bret Easton Ellis Philippines (BEEP) will be widely tolerated. Wearing of school colors will not.
Since there’s almost no single unifying characteristic to all of Bret Ellis’ characters, and since coke sniffing is expensive and too American, anyone can just be their absolutely boring selves. Only requirement would be the ability to quote a passage from any of his books, excluding The Informers, because I don’t care for short story collections.
I know. It’s not clever enough. But if I could just muster enough passion I’m sure it could work.